"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls" - George Carlin
I'm feeling the itch again. The itch to blog and share. I really needed this hiatus. Between a breakup, love triangle, and the fact that my dad is dying from cancer… The shit had basically hit the fan people.
I've always blogged when I've been in a relationship. Isn't that weird? It seemed awkward to blog when Kris and I broke up, to not have that relationship security. I can't really explain why… It just felt not right.
And then with my Dad. There comes a time when hope is no longer an option and you have to face reality. It's gotten to a point where people say to me, and I do know they are just trying to be helpful, "Keep your hopes up, hang in there" and I just want to punch them in the face. My Dad had Stage 4 Renal Cell Cancer straight out of the gate. There was never a lot of hope to begin with and believe me, my Mom made sure every opportunity and treatment that was an option was taken. Currently my Dad is in a ridiculously nice hospice center called Clarehouse that doesn't even seem like a hospice place at all and it's run on donations so my parents don't have to pay a dime except for the actual hospice medical staff that comes through. My Mom practically lives there which is what the place is set up to be, a home away from home. My Dad has always and forever been a stubborn man. He's not the kind of guy that deals well with medical situations and refuses to accept any situation. I went out there to see them the week before Thanksgiving and the day before I got there, he wheel chaired himself to the front desk and said "I'd like to check out please. Don't tell my wife." which was amusing but sad at the same time. He wants to go home. If I was him, I would want to go home. He can't, my Mom can't physically or emotionally handle everything and at home hospice care runs $400 a day. This is the only best possible option. And it sucks.
Because my Dad is never going to come home.
We would consider it a gift if he makes it past Christmas.
It's a truly shitty situation and there is nothing to do but wait.
I am blessed that my Mom, Dad, and brother have made some truly amazing friendships in Tulsa and have a really great and surprisingly large group of support.
My friends here have been letting me know that they are always available and I'm thankful for that, they know me well enough to know that I'll turn to them when I need them most.
This is why I haven't been blogging.
It's felt weird to try and post things in the spirit of pretending that my life is good and happy. It's not, not at all. I'm doing ok, I have happy moments and happy days but overall as a whole.. It's nowhere close to being fantastic. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be small and quiet compared to Christmas's past. Three years ago I lost my favorite cousin a week before Christmas and it's likely this Christmas will be just as tragic. My favorite holiday… I'm holding on to it because I want it to be the best it can be during these crappy times.
That and photography, I've thrown my heart and soul into my work lately. It's the one thing where I don't think about anything except what I'm doing.
It is my lifesaver.
I miss writing here in my personal space. I miss sharing my work. I miss taking cute pictures of myself and sharing them in the name of an Outfit of the Day post. I'm slowly going to work back to that. I'm going to try and start sharing more of my photos again because in essence this is what this blog has always been about. But forgive me if not all my posts are mindless chatter about mundane things like outfits and beauty or whatever. And they aren't all happy and upbeat. Because in reality this blog is suppose to be about me and currently… This is what I'm about. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm waiting for the worst to happen. I hope you'll keep reading regardless. I hope you stick around.
P.S. It would mean a lot to me if this holiday season you would donate to Clarehouse. This place is run purely on donations and it's the reason why the last few months of my dad's life will not be spent in a scary medical environment. His room looks exactly like my parents room in their house, he has a balcony that overlooks pretty property which is constantly visited by birds. The staff is ridiculously kind and caring and they have volunteers that come in and keep people occupied, not just the patients but the entire family. This place and these people have taken a huge load off my family especially my Mom. By donating you help not just my family but many others. If you are in the Tulsa Ok area you can also volunteer or donate items of need.